Harry Potter and the Year of Something
by Phantom Zacharias
Summary: Harry is in school, and nothing makes sense. Dumbledore is crazy and Goyle has coffee rushes. Flame, and nobody cares. If you review, I'll give you a cookie. Chapter 11 UP! Finally!
1. Owls

Disclaimer:I own nothing but the plot. Don't sue me cuz everything but the plot is  
not mine and I make nothing off it.  
  
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix:My Way  
  
Chapter 1-Owls  
  
Harry Potter had been living a little differently on Privet drive. Aunt Petunia had  
noticed that Dudley's diet was not working. In fact, they now had to eat outside  
because Dudley couldn't fit in the kitchen. Another change, since grapefruit qu--  
arters didn't work, they all ate an inch of yarn at each meal. As for pleasant cha-  
nges, the Dursleys still didn't know that Sirius was innocent, and Harry had told  
them that a witch lived nearby, which was true; Mrs. Figg, the old lady down the  
street, was a witch. As a result, the Dursleys were terrified of him.  
Harry finished his inch of yarn in a second(after all, it was only an inch), and hur-  
ried up for a real breakfast; once again he had sent out owls for food. He wolfed  
down one of the Weasley's pies. Feeling properly fed, he noticed two owls on h-  
is windowsill. One was a Hogwarts owl, and the other was one Harry didn't reco-  
gnize. Harry took the Hogwarts letter. It read:  
  
Course Books  
The Standard Book of Spells(Grade 5) by Miranda Goshawk  
Fantastic Underwater Beasts by Some Guy Who Knows About  
This Kind of Crap   
Advanced Transfiguration by Emeric Switch  
The Book of Scary Dark Stuff by :)  
  
Harry then noticed that it was holding a second letter. He took it and read.  
  
Mr. Potter,  
We are pleased to inform that on account of outstanding bravery, valor, and shit  
like that, you have been made a prefect. Privileges include-  
1. The ability to take points  
2. Access to the Prefect's Bathroom  
3. Ability to patrol whenever needed  
4. Ability to scare little kids with stories about radioactive english muffin  
Minerva McGonagall  
Deputy Headmistress  
  
Harry sighed. It was great to be a prefect, but he didn't want to turn into a miniatu-  
ure version of Percy. But he could use the prefects bathroom,he thought to hims-  
elf. Plus,now whenever Malfoy made fun of them, he could make Slytherin's poin-  
ts go down the drain. At this, Harry thought it wouldn't be so bad being a prefect.  
He was wrapped up in his thoughts of it, when he remembered Sirius' letter.He o-  
pened it and read it.  
  
Harry,  
Dumbledore will be arriving tomorow at ten a.m. After picking you up, we will tran-  
sport you to the Weasley's. Have a good summer and keep in touch. And don't  
worry about me, I'm safe at Remus' house.  
Sirius  
  
Harry's heart jumped at this, but then he remembered what Dumbledore had said  
at the end of the year, that he should go to the Dursley's. He decided to ask them  
why when they came. Harry spent the rest of the day dreaming about next year.  
Harry slept easier that night than he had for the entire summer. When he woke up  
at seven, he remembered what would happen in three hours and bounded happily  
out of bed. Upon reaching the back yard for breakfast, he hurried over to Uncle Ve-  
rnon.  
"Sirius will be here at ten."  
"Who?"Grunted Uncle Vernon  
"You know, my Godfather!"  
Upon hearing this, Vernon made a funnny noise, Petunia turned pale, and Dudley  
wet his pants with the force of a firehose.  
"LET'S GO!!!"screamed Uncle Vernon, and they an off. Harry watched Dudley w-  
alk as fast as he could down the street, which was cracking under his weight,bef-  
ore going inside to wait for Sirius and Dumbledore.  
Harry was eating his second slice of chocolate cake when the clock struck ten. A  
popping sound in the living room told him it was time.  
"Time to go, Harry."came Dumbledore's voice. 


	2. To the Burrow!

Disclaimer: Once again, I own nothin, but the plot.  
Thank you people who reviewed the story. Enjoy!  
  
Chapter 2:To the Burrow!  
  
Harry ran out into the living room, and his mouth dropped in surprise. Although  
Sirius was dressed normally, Dumbledore was wearing a pink jester's hat.  
"Um...Dumbledore, why are you wearing that?"  
"What? Oh, this....",he said slightly red and he took off the hat and severed it.  
"Never mind the hat, Harry. We are hear to take you to the Weasley's, as you  
already know. Come."  
"Just one question. Why did you think I'd be better off here?" Harry asked.  
"Well, for one, you be near Figg, a witch, if you don't know. There was anoth-  
er reason, though. Dudley would protect you."  
"Dudley, sir?" repeated Harry, sure Dumbledore had made a mistake.  
"Yes, Dudley. It was hoped, that Dudey's ass would be so large that it would   
take Voldemort several years to reach the other side, by which time Ministry   
wizards would have gotten him, or Dudley have stepped on him. But they s--  
eem to be avoiding you, terrified. So we must take you to the Weasley's."  
This made sense to Harry. It probably would have taken Voldemort years to   
get around Dudley, and since his foot was big enough to smash Big Ben, an-  
yone, even Voldemort, who found themselves under Dudley's foot would die.  
"Well, we must be off, Harry. Take some Floo Powder."Sirius broke in.  
Harry took some powder, threw in the fireplace closed his eyes, shouted "The  
Burrow" and was off.  
***  
"Hello, Harry,"said Mrs.Weasley, who was serving some crappy-looking crap   
to Charlie,"Ron and Hermione are upstairs in the New Room."  
Harry went upstairs and suddenly heard "Accio dude who just came up!",   
and was brought through the open door.  
Harry's eyes fell on a big room painted orange with Cannons posters all over   
it.  
"Welcome to my new room, Harry."Ron said with a grin."And here's a birthday  
present, early, mind you."  
Harry opened the box and there was a magazine inside marked 'Quidditch W-  
eekly'.  
"I got you out a subscription."said Ron.  
"Thanks, Ron!"replied Harry, flipping through pages of tactics, pictures, and in-  
terviews.  
Hermione then handed Harry her present. Ripping off the paper, Harry saw a  
custom built set of Chess pieces. Taking a closer look, he saw that one side  
was Gryffindor students and the other side Slytherin.  
"Thanks, Hermione, now I can hit Malfoy or Snape whenever I want! Which re-  
minds me, are either of you prefects?"  
"Both,"said Ron,"I can't wait to scare little kids with radioactive english muffins,  
that Muggle band!"  
"So that's what REM means!"  
***  
Their books and belongings were packed, and they were at Platform 9 3/4,boa-  
rding the Hogwarts Express. The Journey passed unusually quickly. Taking the-  
ir seats in the Great Hall, they saw Dumbledore get up, wearing the pink hat ag-  
ain.  
"Before the Sorting, we shall introduce our new Defense Against the Dark Arts  
teacher. Please give a warm Hogwarts welcome and a big Hogwarts hug to....  
  
Who will it be? Review, or you'll never find out! Bwahahahaha!  
hint-they've been mentioned in the story already! 


	3. Sorting

Yô! I'm back again! Thanx to all who reviewed. Now you get to find out  
who the DADA teacher is!  
  
Disclaimer:Refer to chapters 1 and 2 for disclaimers.   
  
Chapter 3:Sorting  
  
"...Professor :)!"  
Some scattered applause followed, but mostly students trying to figure   
what kind of name :) was.  
"But enough jibber-jabber! Bring out the smelly-old-hat-that's-been-rott-  
ing-away-in-the-school-for-billions-of-years!"Dumbledore shouted   
to the hall.  
McGonagall brought out a three-legged stool with the familiar hat on it.  
For a few seconds the school was silent. Then...  
  
It was a billion years ago  
Right at this castle here  
Four stupid fools came round the bend  
Each clutching cans of beer  
Now all of them, they shared a wish  
And so they had a plan  
In that moldy, crappy place  
And Hogwarts School behan  
Bold Gryffindor from Wild Moor  
He always liked the brave  
Sweet Hufflepuff like loyal ones  
Who knew how to behave  
Fair Ravenclaw, who came from glen  
She really liked the clever  
And Slytherin liked ambitious ones  
And I have no rhymes for this line  
So put me on your giant head  
And please sit still, don't fight  
'Cause I'm a stupid piece o' crap  
And I am always right!  
  
A wave of applause followed the song and McGonagall started calling   
out names and one by one the first-years were sorted. McGonagall p-  
ut away the hat, and then, the feast appeared! Everyone scarfed the   
food down, and the desserts appeared! They scarfed that down and   
After-Meal Snacks appeared! They scarfed it, and Dumbledore stood   
up.  
"I have a few announcements. In the light of the rising of Voldemort, y-  
ou shall have Defense Against the Dark Arts twice a day."  
The Great Hall groaned  
"Yes, twice. Now where was I? Wait a minute, where am I?"A glazed   
look came over Dumbledore. "You!"he pointed at Colin Creevey."GET  
OUT, GRINDELWALD!"Dumbledore shouted, and bean to chase Col-  
in, shooting stunning spells, which Colin was lucky enough to have m-  
issed.  
"Professor Dumbledore, please stop at once!"came McGonagall's voi-  
ce. Instantly, Dumbledore came back to his senses and went red.  
"Oh..."he said as he returned to his seat at the High Table,"As I was s-  
aying, the reason we chose :) to be the teacher is because he is one   
of the most powerful wizards in the world, and we will be safer in his   
presence. Which brings us to our next announcement. :) is a member  
of a group of the most powerful wizards in the world. They too will be   
joining us. Please welcome...  
  
For some reason, I like doing that to you. Cliffhanger! Do you know why  
I do it? Because if I leave it like that, the readers like you have to review   
to hear more. Reviews like this:  
Evil Lady ( Signed Review ) chapter: 2 @ 07-03-2001 11:04 AM 2633365   
MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! radio active english muffins!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *evil grins*   
  
REVIEW! If you ask me to, I include Knor, the evil man of Bernyland! 


	4. Voldemort

Look at some other chapter for them disclaimers  
  
Chapter 4:Voldemort  
  
...The Order of the Phoenix!"  
There was another tumultous wave of applause at the mention of this.  
Harry looked down the table at Hermione, who was looking the Order  
up in 'The Book of Magical Crap That Nobody Cares About'.  
"May I introduce: Mundungus Fletcher!"Dumbledore shouted,  
as Fletcher apparated by his side.  
"Arabella Figg! Remus Lupin! Jonah Knor! Severus Snape! Alex Kah!  
and... Sirius Black!"  
A big Gasp!  
  
* * *  
  
Now we will check on Voldemort. He has established a castle somew-  
here since his escape. No-one knows where it is, because whenever  
someone gets near it a voice says "Go away,I'm not here!". Then a tro-  
op of dancing Mini Voldies in Bunny pajamas come out and dance until   
the vie wer is driven insane. Stupid, but it always worked. Now to see   
what Voldemort himself is up to.  
"Wormtail!" he screamed while thinking on his favorite throne. It was   
actually plastic, but was covered with aluminum foil to make it look silv-  
er.  
"Yes my lord" said Wormtail.  
"Get me a GI Joe! And then go get a Burger King crown! I have some   
evil-"  
DUM-DA-DUM-DUM!  
"-as I was saying,I have evil plans. Dumbledore's mind is rotting, and it  
is time to strike."  
DUM-DA-DUM-DUM!  
"Who keeps doing that"  
Voldemortfloated up the stairs and glided into a room where he saw   
Lucius Malfoy and many other Death Eaters playing with an old record   
player. Next to him was an open box that said "Voldie's stuff".  
"Oh, hello Voldemort,"Lucius said,"I hope you don't mind us using this  
record player."  
"Yes, I mind!"  
But as he tried to cross over to Malfoy, he knocked over the box, revea-  
ling a full collection of Barney, Sesame Street, and Teletubbies records.  
"Damn it, Lucius this all your fault!"  
He raised his hand a toasted half of the Death Eaters like... um... toast.  
And as for, Lucius....  
  
Haha. I have done it. Keep on reviewing. and don't send me a dumb review  
like this-  
  
iriifm chapter: 2 @ 07-06-2001 09:27 PM 2687833   
dhgkmnmdmmfhbnmgmnmh;;fh   
  



	5. Exotic Food and More Mental Breakdowns

It has been a while since you could enjoy a Phantom Z story fresh from  
the Notepad oven, but here it is. I have two other stories planned, neither  
of which are Harry Potter :(, but I will never ditch this story. :)  
If you want disclaimers, go somewhere else, like a made-up country   
named Disclameria.  
  
Chapter Five:Exotic Food and More Mental Breakdowns   
  
"Your punishment will be.... Forget it I have better things to do."Voldemort  
decided.  
"Like what?"Lucius inquired.  
"Like making my evil plans!Now get out before I call Aluminus Comitus for  
help."  
Everyone gulped. They knew who Aluminus Comitus was.So they started   
doing their useless jobs in Voldie's Castle.  
  
* * *  
  
Back at Hogwarts, everyone was running around in circles because of Sirius  
Black being there.  
"Dumbledore, can you stop this?"Sirius asked.  
"Da da da da!Hippie Jesus to the rescue!"(1),said Dumbledore, putting on a  
red clown nose and taking off his clothes.(2)  
Nobody knows if Dumbledore was in one of his mental breakdowns then,   
because it did manage to stop the students. But its not everyday that you see  
a red-nosed old guy run around naked chanting"The Power of the Olive Gar-  
den will rule all grocery stores!".  
When he was done, he resumed his position at the head table, not even the  
least bit embarassed that he was lacking clothes.  
"By the way, I wasn't kidding about the Power of the Olive Garden. It will  
probably be taught to you by :).And one last note, in case you are curious,  
I will reveal my age now."  
There was a moment of extreme tension in the Great Hall.  
"I am very old. Go to bed you unmotivated morons."  
And as everyone was leaving the tables, Dumbledore noticed the clock and  
called the Hall back.  
"Never mind. Its time for breakfast."  
Everyone looked up at the clock and saw that it said 8:00. Underneath this  
clock was a picture of Some Guy, and an inscription that said,"Clocks don't  
lie." So everyone sat down and ate the special high in Shitein and Vitamin Q  
Snot Porridge.  
Down the table from Harry, Colin Creevey was drawing attention. If he doesn't  
get to bed before 11:00 he pees every five minutes. Right now he was making  
weird moaning noises and shaking and dousing that section of tablecloth.  
Harry tore his eyes away from this and ate some Cow Dung Cakes, thinking  
'whatever happened to those cauldron cakes', before checking his schedule.  
"Ahh! Shit!"he yelled, seeing Potions at the top for today. He dropped his spoon  
into the Exotic Mystery Soup and ran like to the tower.  
Wait, I need a damn cliffhanger.Uh.  
He opened the door to his dormitory and saw...  
  
(1)Me and my friend were flipping channels and we came accross a movie with  
a drunk guy who looked like Jesus as a hippie. Remember this: Hippie Jesus ran  
from red people with scissors. It will be somewhat important.  
(2)No, I am not a pervert. It is not my pleasure to put nude old people in my stories,  
but I'm running low on ideas.  
Review for God's sake, review!I WILL give you a cookie, by the Power of the Olive  
Garden, I will! 


	6. Why You Shouldn't Drink Coffee

Thank you Reviewers.You have inspired me to write when I should  
be sitting on my ass.  
  
Chapter: Why You Shouldn't Drink Coffee  
  
...the room, the exact way it should be. Except for a cookie on Ron's  
bed that said 'To the reviewers of the story'. Harry picked up his bag  
and books and rushed downstairs to the dank, smelly dungeon.  
  
Snape began,"Hello Mr.Pot-"and belched, rather loudly.  
"-ter. Take a braaaaaaaaaap seat over next to boooooooorp Goyle."  
Harry did this and noticed that Goyle had grown about twice as high  
as him and smelled of fish and coffee. Speaking of which, his eyes  
were spinning around extremely fast in their sockets and he was  
saying,"Coffee, coffee, coffee," under his breath.  
"Goyle, are you ok?" said Harry, out of curiousity.  
"I'm good to the last drop, Harry."replied Goyle, pounding a nail into  
the table with his little finger.  
"I think you should consider decaf."  
"Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's coffee!"  
  
"Now class,"yelled Snape, breaking into everyones' thoughts,"we  
will be helping the good Professor by making a Deflating Draft bec-  
ause of a little *incident* I had over the summer. Turn to page 8 of  
of the book in your desk. The ingredients are also in the desk. And  
make it quick!"  
Harry got out the book, but Goyle grabbed it and threw it into Neville's  
cauldron. The cauldron melted and twisted into a blob that looked   
like a dinosaur.  
Goyle then took out his supplies. A bag labeled 'coffee beans', a mug  
with a picture of itself on it, a picture of Juan Valdez, some cocaine  
to calm him down, a jug of water, a barrel of milk and Sweet & Low.  
He threw the water in the cauldron and lit the fire high. While waiting  
for it to boil he put the beans in his mouth and grinded them with his   
teeth, then tossed them in."Espresso!" he screamed.  
Snape eventually came around, and tasted some. His face contorted  
and he spit it out.  
"What is this?!"  
"Espresso!"replied Goyle, before lifting the cauldron to his mouth and  
draining it.  
"Juan Valdez, here I come!"he said to the wall and ran through it and   
disappeared over the horizon.  
Snape got up off the floor, because he was run over, and looked at   
Harry.  
"Just go to your next class everyone. Potter, see me after dinner tonight."  
Harry took a last glance at the whole in the wall and went off to face the   
next class....  
  
Review, and I'll give you a REAL cookie 


	7. The Power of the Olive Garden

Ok, some notes-  
1.Juan Valdez is more than he seems! And if you don't know who Juan Valdez is, he's  
the guy with the donkey for Colombian Coffee. So just remember him.  
2.Back when life was simple, I had 12 reviews. Life was hell! Review and tell your   
thoughts!  
3.I'm baking cookies right now.  
4.You are about to meet the Man behind the the Emoticon-:) !  
  
Chapter 7-The Power of the Olive Garden  
  
Harry looked at his schedule, and saw that next he had Defense Against the  
Dark Arts with :). That name still bugged him. Oh well.  
They entered the classroom and took their seats.  
Two minutes later, a man burst in to the room. He had on a large black robe  
and cloak, each ripped at the ends. A sword was tucked in a sheath at his  
waist. On his head he wore a red bandana, with an eyepatch over one eye  
and a parrot on his right shoulder.  
"Ar, if ya don't a'ready know, I'm Cap'n, I mean, Perfessor :)."  
The class just stared.  
"I've spent many a year, sailin' the carribean, but then I stopped, and here me  
am."  
More staring.  
"Ar, well, let's get started then, mateys. Take out the Book of Scary Dark Stuff   
by Me, and turn to page 3, yar, har, har."  
While they were doing this, :) sat at his desk and lit a match. Seconds later,  
there was an explosion, and something flew at the blackboard, knocking it  
clear of the wall.  
"I don't like blackboards."said :) from behind the pall of smoke at his desk.  
He blew the smoke from the barrel of a tiny, foot long cannon.  
"Now then, If yer all turned to page 7, we can begin. You'll notice that this sec-  
tion is about the Power of the Olive Garden. It's an Italian restaurant, and Itali-  
an food is Voldemort's sole allergy. But we have never been able to get it near   
him, thanks to his two assistants, Giorgio and Benito. They gobble it like pigs."  
"Squawk!"said the parrot,"Like pigs! Like pigs!"  
"But if we can harness the Never-ending Pasta Bowl, we may be able to break   
through. That and a well-placed killin' spell to the snake guy's head, yardi, har,  
har!"  
The class was giving him incredulous looks.  
"Ar, well write it down, mateys!"  
They all did this, because the small cannon was still out.  
"And fer homework, write one sentence about the Olive Garden, or just throw  
some pasta at Perfessor Snape. Now leave, I'll see ya next week1"  
As he was walking down to lunch, Harry wondered 'Could this day get any craz-  
ier?'. After one step into the Great Hall, he decided it could...  
  
So that's what :) is like! My cookies are still baking. I would appreciate reviews.  
And as for the next chapter, I'll probably have it tomorrow. 


	8. Radioactive English Muffins

I was at a meeting with the chief, which is why I didn't have this story out  
yesterday.  
I have a disclaimer-I own the name Radioactive English Muffins. I do not  
own REM. I own the Power of the Olive Garden. I do not own the Olive   
Garden. I own Giorgio and Benito, the Italian henchmen. I do not own any  
real people named Benito or Giorgio. I own :). I do not own pirate accents.  
  
Now to the story.  
  
Chapter 8-Radioactive English Muffins  
  
Dumbledore had built a giant pink stage, and had put pink tablecloths on all   
the tables to match his jester's hat.  
"I didn't tell you but,"he began,"I booked a little bit of entertainment for lunch.   
May I present...the Radioactive English Muffins!"  
A roar of applause met the band who looked very confused at the mass of   
pink and black. They started playing, though, immediately.  
Everything started out fine, except the food still tasted like shit. Sooner or   
later, it had to go wrong, and it did. An explosion was heard again, and again,  
it had come from :).  
"Ya sound like yer playin' with yer feet, yardi, har, har!"he said to the band.  
In response to this, each of the members grabbed an english muffin. Each  
of the muffins started to glow and multiply.  
"Food fight!"the lead singer yelled, and the english muffins darted in different  
directions.  
Soon, :)'s cannon was off again, Dumbledore was dancing and singing in  
another personality lapse, green bean poo stew was flying everywhere, all   
to the tune of 'The End of the World as we Know it'.  
Harry had been busy dishing out poo stew by the bowl the whole time, and  
the fighting was getting intense. Fred and George flipped over a table and  
fought from behind it. Harry started crawling over to get more Elf burgers;  
he was running low. A stone cold monkey carrot hit him in the eye and he   
blacked out.  
When Harry finally came to, Dumbledore had dyed his hair red, white, and   
blue, and :) was in a corner with several barrels of rum. Food and passed   
out students were strewn everywhere and the Jew in Gryffindor was being  
hauled up to the hospital wing.  
Harry got up and walked over to a small group trying to wake people up. When  
evryone was at least partially awake, McGonagall came in with her magic  
megaphone.  
"Due to this mess made in the Great Hall, you have the rest of the day off. Go  
to your common rooms immediately."  
Harry kicked one last head of crap cabbage at the REM stage before leaving.  
Maybe this crazy day was over. And maybe not...  
  
My oven exploded, and my cookies flew away, so in the meantime, I'm taking  
orders. Tune in next time for the next chapter! 


	9. McGonagall's New Friends

I'm sorry for leaving you for like 1 ½ years. But my parents have no trust,  
and invoked the so-called "Parental Controls", putting my "talent" to waste.  
But I meant it when I said I would never ditch this story, and I have come  
back(Just like Nostradamus predicted!). Thanks if you reviewed, you kept  
me going. And one last note: Blue Eagle II is a jackass.  
  
Disclaimer: You know who HP belongs to. Subway and Clay Henry song  
belong to Subway, I guess. Eminem and Ludacris belong to themselves. If  
you review, you have a choice of a cookie, or some Quaker Oatmeal.  
Limited time offer. Check side panel for details.  
  
  
Chapter 9-McGonagall's New Friends  
  
… As a matter of fact, the crazy day was over. Now comes the   
mystery part, where Harry, Ron, and Hermione overhear something and   
then it happens.  
While walking up the stairs, leaving the weirdest thing to ever  
happen in the Great Hall (some weird things happen in the Astronomy   
Tower, but that's not the point.), they reach the Fat Lady. She had gone   
on the Subway diet, lost 9,670,000 lbs., and had a song made about her  
that became even more popular than the "Clay Henry" one.  
"Password?", she said.  
"Uh…", Harry said, realizing that he didn't know the password yet, ev-  
en though he had already been in Gryffindor Tower.  
Out of nowhere, they heard voices coming down the hall. They  
Were both extremely old voices, so Harry knew it was Dumbledore and  
McGonagall.  
"But could he have been in the castle, Albus?"  
"No. Now shut up, or the clown nose will come out again."  
They rounded the corner and were startled to see Harry, Ron,   
and Hermione. Dumbledore face twisted in frustration.  
"I told you to shut up! Now they've heard it, and they're going to go on  
some 800 page adventure! Gaaaaaah!", Dumbledore shouted, beating   
head with a tennis racket.  
It was Hermione who spoke up.   
"We don't know the password."  
"Oh, well, it's 'I got yo' ass'." replied McGonagall as the trio did a double  
take. "Now go get some sleep, I want you all to be focused for my sur-  
prise tomorrow."  
And they walked away down the hall, Dumbledore beating   
himself with a golf club. Ron was scratching his head and his crotch at  
the same time.  
"I got yo' ass?" he spat out in utter confusion.  
The portrait hole opened and they went in to the common   
room, wondering why they couldn't live normal lives.  
* * *  
Like all the other books, Harry had a dream that night. And  
he supposed it had some sort of meaning, but he couldn't see how. In  
the dream, Ronald McDonald was dripping blood from his mouth. He  
whispered, "Go to bed, Harry…" and shoved a hamburger down his   
throat. Then Voldemort appeared, riding a hippo and singing Kumb-  
aya. Finally,Dobby came around to tell Harry that he had changed his   
name to Dooby. The world exploded and Harry awoke, and decided  
that Dumbledore wasn't the only one whose mind was rotting.  
  
* * *  
  
Before the Gryffindors embarked on the dangerous journey to  
the Great Hall, Harry checked his schedule, and realized that they had  
Transfiguration first. Harry groaned, Ron swore, and Seamus died. But  
life must go on, so they went to breakfast.When the owls came in, they  
flew around in circles and hit each other over and over before they ev-  
entually just delivered the letters to the garbage. It was later revealed   
that Hagrid had invited all the owls for a drink at the pub, so they all  
had violent hangovers.  
  
* * *  
  
The Gryffindors waited silently in the Transfiguration, not too  
Excited about the "surprise". After five minutes, they became aware of  
A hip-hop beat coming from somewhere behind McGonagall's desk.  
Without warning, McGonagall popped out, wearing baggy clothes and  
a bandana over her usual bun. She was rapping in her aging, croaky  
voice, much to the displeasure of the students as they kissed what see-  
med like the last normal class goodbye.  
She finished her rap, and looked around the class, waiting for  
a reaction. At long last, Hermione put her hand up.  
"Miss Granger?"  
"Professor," she piped up1 nervously, "what the fuck are you doing?"  
A murmur went around the class. McGonagall frowned slightly,  
but recovered.  
"Starting the lesson, Miss Granger. Class, the time has come for us to  
move on to Human Transfiguration. This is difficult and dangerous magic.  
Here to help me are my two good friends.  
Give a hand to Eminem and Ludacris!"  
Two figures appeared out of nowhere and walked to stand on   
either side of McGonagall. Within a few minutes, the lesson had started.  
Each student was a given a singer or musical person of some sort, and   
The task was to turn each into a rapper. By the end of the period, no one  
had made any progress, or even tried. The bell was all too welcome.  
"Divination next, that's always great fun." Remarked Ron as he caught  
up with Harry outside. Just then, a high squeaky scream came from   
around the corner, and the next second, something hit Harry in the face.  
  
So what did ya think? Review! Good and Bad are welcome!  
1.I just had to say 'piped up' sometime  
  
Oh, Eminem and Ludacris will play a bigger role than you may think.  
Hint: Something that didn't happen in the fourth book, but did in all the  
others. Remember Snape's "incident"? You get to find out about that,  
too, so keep the reviews coming-Suggestions, comments, death threats,  
even if you want to be in the story like the Jew in Gryffindor 


	10. The New Keeper

OK-2 notes  
1. REM stands for Rapid Eye Movement, the stage of sleep in which you   
have dreams. Just wanted to clear that up.  
2. I have been looking ahead, and I plan to write a parody of the 6th and   
7th as well. I already know what the names will be, and I have a DADA   
teacher picked out for Number 6. Let's just say, that with him, it should   
get … interesting. Now for what I'm focused on right now:  
  
Chapter 10- The New Keeper  
  
Harry's face was numb with pain. He fell to the floor and wrapped   
his hands around his face.   
"VOLDEMORT!" he screamed.  
The whole castle shook with fear. No, really, it did. That day was   
the bloodiest day for paintings in the history of the school.  
"Nonsense, boy!" came a squeaky voice in front of Harry.   
Harry opened his eyes. To his surprise, he saw Professor Flitwick   
standing there, his robes wildly askew. Dumbledore came around the corner   
wearing a very large boot that was-you guessed it-pink.  
"The professor and I were just playing a friendly game of midget-tossing,"   
Dumbledore explained, "when he bet me that the famous Harry Potter was   
impervious to attack from them. Apparently he is wrong. 600 galleons to   
me! Doo da da! Doo dee dee!"  
"It was six, you cheating bastard!" spat Flitwick, and chased Dumbledore   
down the hall. It was a pitiful sight.  
  
* * *  
Divination was pretty boring, as it always was. It seemed that   
Professor Trelawney was the only teacher who had not undergone a   
drastic change. She came in, said Harry was going to die an extremely   
horrible death involving ninjas, told Parvati to beware a bowl of chicken   
soup, Neville puked, Ron found thirty-six ways to use the words "Lavender"   
and "whore" in the same sentence, and Mickey Mouse showed up in the   
middle of the lesson. He was promptly thrown out the window. Yep, pretty   
normal.  
  
* * *  
The next morning, Seamus woke up first. Why? What do you care?   
Anyway, his eyes fell on a strange sight. All the hangings were open, and   
Harry was floating a few inches off the bed, still covered in his sheets.  
"Huh?" he (Seamus) said, half-asleep.  
The rest of the dorm woke, because that's what I want to   
happen. So it did.  
"Harry, you're levitating." Seamus said, followed by a yawn.  
"No, I'm not." Came Harry's reply.  
At that point, Seamus realized what was going on. It was by no   
means levitation. Harry had obviously had a very happy dream. A wide   
smile spread across Seamus's face.  
"Oh, for when the Boy who Lived became a man." he said.  
"Shut up, Seamus." Harry said irritably.  
Harry yawned, got out of bed, and put on some jeans. He had to be   
down on the Quidditch field today, it was the first practice, and they   
had to get a keeper.  
Ron, Dean, Seamus, and Neville decided to come too,   
because they all agreed there's nothin' like the smell of the piss-dowsed   
locker room in the mornin'.  
When Harry reached the locker room, all the team was there   
already. Angelina, Alicia, and Katie were just sitting there, because,   
frankly I don't what to do with them. Fred had a sock on his head,   
and George was conversing with the sink.  
"All right, team," Harry said. He was the self-elected captain,   
seeing as how he had a thing on his head and they didn't.  
"We must find a new keeper. I thought we could-"he began, but was cut   
off.  
"There's a guy in the room next door," Alicia said, pointing to a  
door., "He wants to try out."  
"Alright," Harry replied, marveling that someone cared, "send him  
in."  
Right at the end of that sentence, Lee Jordan's voice came  
over the loudspeaker.  
"May I have your attention please," he said, "Will the new Gryffindor  
Keeper please stand up? I repeat, will the new Keeper please stand up?"  
The door at the end of the locker room flung open, and who  
should pop out but Eminem, wearing Quidditch robes and a rag on his head.  
He started singing immediately.  
"Hey, I'm the Keeper, yes I'm the new Keeper, all you other new keepers,  
your brooms are much cheaper, so would the real new Keeper please  
stand up, please stand up, please stand up?"  
Harry couldn't believe this was happening. It was like falling  
into a nightmare. He'd have taken Voldemort on a hippo any day.  
"Who are YOU?" asked Angelina Johnson.  
"Hi! My name is-" Eminem rapped as an answer  
"Huh?" said Fred.  
"My name is-"  
"Who?" said George.  
"My name is- [record scratches] Slim Shady!"  
"Well, Mr. -er- Shady," Harry broke the silence after about a minute, "do   
you have a broom?"  
Eminem reached behind his back and pulled out his broom. The   
name read 'Shooting Shady', and there was a backwards 'E' on the handle.  
  
* * *  
Practice was completely pointless, mainly because Eminem spent  
half an hour on a rap about the Quaffle, and kept referring to all the girls  
as 'bitch'. When practice was over, and everyone went back to the tower,  
Harry pulled out that knife that Sirius gave him, and wondered why he didn't  
just end it right there. Then he made up his mind that it would probably be  
better to just go to breakfast.  
  
Well, Eminem was more than he seemed, I already told you that. So be  
good little children and review my story! 


	11. The Homecoming

Chapter 11: The Homecoming  
  
It was November now, and tension was rising for some   
reason. Though it was an odd year, Harry was still surprised when he   
went into History of Magic the first time. Professor Binns, the ghost   
teacher with a drone like an old vacuum cleaner, had actually been   
replaced by a vacuum cleaner. When the shock had sunk in from the   
classes, Harry managed to fairly well in them; he could no longer   
understand a word Britney Spears was saying in Transfiguration, and   
he had memorized the whole Olive Garden menu.  
Some interesting/cool/stupid news came to them over breakfast   
one day. While Harry, Ron, and Hermione were eating some boring breakfast,   
Dumbledore announced that after the first Quidditch game of the season,   
they would be holding a homecoming dance. Even though it was not really a  
homecoming for anybody.  
"Cool!" shouted sexless Blaise Zabini.  
At this point, Draco Malfoy came over to the Gryffindor table to deliver some  
heavy-duty verbal abuse. In his wake, he left thousands upon thousands of   
fainting fangirls.  
"Well, hello, dear old friends," he said with a smile that was like a smile,   
"I hate you all, just in case you were wondering. My father says I'm better   
than you."  
"Go away and eat your sausage, Malfoy." Said Harry  
"Screw you. Mudblood. My father."  
***  
The upcoming dance meant that once again, Harry had to find a date   
or he would look like an idiot(ike I did at my Homecoming) So he had taken to   
asking random people, who all turned him down. Which may have been due to   
the fact that Harry had not noticed that half of them were guys. But one day,   
Harry felt that time was running short, and he decided to do something. He   
plucked up all of his courage, put on a suit of armor, took it off, and went right   
up to Cho Chang and knocked on her door. Which turned out to be her best friend's   
head. Muttering about dumbshits, the girl moved out of the way and let Harry pass.   
So he spat out his well-formed plan.  
"Wannagoballwime?" (Pssst.... Sound familiar?)  
"What?"  
"Youshouldgoballwimmecuzispeaksofasyoucantunderstandme."  
"Oh! Now I get it! I'm usually a bitch in an attempt to make Hermione look better,  
but I don't feel like that today. So I'll go."  
Harry was so happy he turned Beethoven's 'Ode to Joy' on and danced in   
slow motion down the hall.  
***  
The day for the Quidditch match had come, and none of the team was   
eating anything, as usual. Only Eminem seemed to be doing anything, which was   
giving a concert on the Head Table. McGonagall didn't seem to appreciate Eminem's  
grabbing himself in front of her and giving her the finger over and over again.  
In the locker rooms, or changing rooms to you Brits over there, Harry,   
Fred, and George interestedly watched Katie Bell change. It seems as if the Wise   
Founders did not have the bright idea to make two different changing rooms. When   
everyone was ready, Harry gave his pep talk.  
"If we lose," he said, "I will beat the living shit out of every one of you."  
The team lined up in that tunnel thing to wait for the door to open. They   
heard Lee Jordan's voice outside.  
"I would like to start this game saying that Slytherin is a band of ugly bastards who need   
to be killed."  
Eminem, started rapping in the back of the group, and annoyed Harry.  
"His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy  
There's vomit on his sweater already, Elf Spaghetti.  
He's nervous, but on the surface he looks calm and ready  
To block Quaffles, but he keeps on forgetting  
What the broom's for, the whole crowd grows so loud..."  
Harry blocked out the words, and several seconds later, the gate opened, and they walked   
out onto the field where the Slytherin team was waiting.  
"Now I want a nice clean game." Said Madam Hooch as Harry shook hands with somebody.  
"What's 'clean'?" asked Eminem.  
"AND THEEEEEEY'RE OFF! SLYTHERIN SUCKS!" shouted Lee.  
After ten minutes, Eminem had allowed for ten Slytherin goals because he was   
too busy flicking off the whole crowd. Harry called a time-out.  
"I'll be right back, I just need a word with Eminem," Harry told the team as they landed.   
He dragged Eminem up to the castle, and up to the Astronomy Tower.  
"Why the [cut] did ya' bring me up here, [cut]?"  
Harry didn't answer; instead, he just pushed Eminem off the roof. He then   
somehow just appeared in the stands next to Ron.  
"Ron, will you be the new keeper?"  
"Really? Excellent! Cliche time!"  
After Harry talked Madam Hooch into extending the time-out length to an hour,   
Ron emerged from the Changing Rooms dressed in full Quidditch crap, and accompanied   
by much fake smoke. After he took his position, Gryffindor got like a thousand goals and   
Harry caught the Snitch and all that stuff. So there was a giant parade featuring half the   
cast of Sesame Street, and Lee Jordan showed off his newfound vocabulary and spoiled the   
first-years' innocence.  
***  
The dance was actually kind of stupid. It reminded everyone too much of the   
Yule Ball. It was a relief to see that Dumbledore had not booked REM. It turned out that   
Eminem was their choice, but due to his untimely death, Millicent Bulstrode, Pansy   
Parkinson, Hannah Abott and :) were all left without dates, and Dumbledore played drum   
cadences on his butt cheeks.  
Harry had fun dancing with Cho. Maybe a little too much fun, as Cho had to remind   
him many, many times that he was grabbing the wrong places. Ron went with Hermione,   
because Viktor Krum had moved over the summer to a remote Pacific Island to live in a   
mansion as a playboy. Seamus went with Lavender, again, and Dean went with Parvati.   
Neville went with some girl who may or may not be important to the plot, Ginny went with  
Colin, and Draco went with a mirror. Yep, this ball was perfect for everybody.  
After two hours or so, there was almost nobody left in the Hall, because they   
had all gone outside to the bushes, or elsewhere. Harry had been waiting for this all night,  
and couldn't keep the grin off his face as he and Cho headed out into the never-ending   
expanse of bushes. However, they were stopped when they tripped over a stray leg poking   
out of a bush. When they looked to see who it was, they found out, horrified, that it was   
:), accompanied by none other than Snape.  
"Well, uh.... Hello there, Potter...." :) said, staring at the shocked faces.  
Harry and Cho both shouted "Unclean! Unclean!" at the same time, and ran further into   
the bush-arrangement-thing.  
"Ten points from your hormones!" Snape called angrily after them.  
When they finally found a free bush, they began to snog. And it didn't stop there.  
I'm not going to go into too much detail because I know little kids who lied about their   
age are probably reading this. But I will say this, when Harry emerged from that bush,   
he was truly a man.  
Upon returning to the dormitory, Dean, Seamus, Neville and Ron were already   
there.  
"How'd it go?" asked Ron.  
"Pretty good. Lost my virginity. How about you?"  
"Yeah, I did, too!" Ron replied.  
"And so did I!" Seamus broke in.  
"Me, too!" shouted Neville.  
They all stared at him in total surprise.  
"Really?" Dean inquired, the shock showing clearly in his voice, "To that girl?"  
"Maybe. We went up to the Astronomy Tower for some quiet love-making, but the place   
was so packed we had to join the orgy and I had polished off six or seven girls before it   
was over."  
They all mouthed wordlessly at him. Surely, this could not be true? To end the   
awkward moment, Harry spoke up, to Dean.  
"And what about you Dean? Did you lose your virginity tonight?"  
"Tonight? I haven't been a virgin for ten years."  
Harry, Ron, Seamus, and Neville cried, "ACK!" and rushed down the stairs and to   
the bathroom to wash out their ears. Or maybe not their ears, but they had to wash   
something.  
'Now that,' Harry thought, 'was one piece of information I did NOT need to know.'  
  
Sadly, there is no cliffhanger. But I know how "eager" you all are to see the next chapter,   
so review! 


End file.
